Brief

"Bwisit na buhay ito! Araw-araw na lang, itlog! Umaga, tanghali,
gabi, itlog! Itlog! Itlog! Lagi na lang itlog!"

Bati in past present and future

Guro: ano ang past tense ng "Bati"??
Juan: binati po mam.
Guro: ang present tense??
Juan: binabati po mam
Guto: ang future tense?
Juan: lalabasan na po mam

The body builder takes off his shirt and the
blonde says, 'What a Great Chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite,Baby.

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive Calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.'

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back onand chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!!

What starts in a letter F and ends in a letter K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd gr ader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, '1. What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: '2. What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
(The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!)
Harry: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: '3. What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks:4. What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
(The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.)

Ms. Brooks: '5. What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
(The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, )
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: '6. What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
(The principal was trembling.)

Ms. Brooks: '7. What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
(The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher)

Principal:'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Love Songs in Filipino

1. Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know! - Huwag Mo Kong Gawing Tanga!
2. You Should Know By Now - Alam Mo Na Dapat Ngayon Yan.
3. Sometimes When We Touch - Minsan Kapag Tayo'y Naghihipuan
4. Touch Me In The Morning - Hipuan Mo Ko Sa Umaga
5. Stairway To Heaven - Mula Paa Hanggang Singit
6. Hurt So Good - Array, ang Sarrap!
7. Total Eclipse Of The Heart - Maitim Ang Puso
8. I Left My Heart In San Francisco - Wala akong Puso ngayon
9. King And Queen Of Hearts - Tong-itan at pusuyan!
10. Pretty Woman - AKO yun o kaya'y di ikaw yun!
11. Hey Jude - Hoy Hudas! Barabas!
12. Power Of Love - Buntis
13. How Deep Is Your Love - Gaano Kalalim ang sa iyo
14. Three Times A Lady - Super Bakla
15. More Than A Woman - Tomboy (T-Bird)
16. Can't Be With You Tonight - Meron Ako Ngayon

Accounting in Filipino

1. Asset = Ari
2. Fixed Asset = Aring Nakatirik
3. Liquid Asset = Aring Tumutulo
4. Written-off Asset = Aring Pinutol
5. Cut-off time = Oras ng Pagputol
6. Depreciation = Pagkalaspag ng Ari
7. Fully Depreciated Asset = Aring Laspag na Laspag
8. Earning Asset = Aring Ganado Pa
9. Non-Earning Asset = Aring Baldado Na
10. Owned Asset = Sariling Ari
11. Other Asset = Ari ng Iba
12. Miscellaneous Entry = Mga Aring Pinagsamasama
13. Erroneous Entry = Mali ang Pagkapasok
14. Double Entry = Dalawa ang Pinasukan
15. Multiple Entry = Labas-Pasok
16. Correcting Entry = Itinama ang Pagpasok
17. Reversing Entry = Baliktad ang Pasok
18. Tangible Asset = Aring Nasasalat
19. Dispensed = Nilabasan
20. Undispensed = Hindi Nilabasan

In a kindergaten class, the little girl asked

girl: mam, mabubuntis po ba yung 40 yrs old???
teacher: oo
girl: yung 20?
teacher: oo
girl: yung 5 yrs old???
teacher: hindi
(little boy whispered)
boy: sabi sayo... wag kang kabahan!!!

Mga title ng mga seksing pelikula

1. Ang kati ng higad mo
2. Budburan ko ng niyog ang mainit mong pichi-pichi
3. Lawayan mo baka mausog
4. Huwag mong ibabad, isawsaw mo lang
5. Napagod ang bunganga sa laki ng tilapya.
6. Huwag mong kamayin baka mapanis.
7. Pasalat ng peklat
8. Diligan mo ng suka ang nanunuyo kong lumpia
9. Kapag gumabi... bumubuka ang kabibe...
10. Nang tumapon ang nata ni Cocoy

Doc ko po!

Patient: Doc I have problem but promise you wont laugh
(drops his pants and shows the tiniest penis ever)
Doc: (trying not to laugh) Ok whats the problem
Patient: namamaga po eh

Sa isang ospital

Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo, lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! Walang modo!

Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime

BOSS:Areyou free tonight?
SECRETARY: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE...
Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!

Sa motel

BOYFRIEND: Is this your first time?
GIRLFRIEND: (nagalit) Oo naman, ‘no?! Kayo talagang mga lalaki, ang kukulit! Pare-pareho ng tanong! Paulit-ulit! Amf!

Paalala sa magsyota

1. Kapag magkasama, huwag kayong garapal sa ka-sweet-an. Smack lang sa cheek, ok na. Alala­hanin, maraming naiinggit.
2. Kapag nakainom ng Red Horse, huwag magpakalasing. Kasi, baka maisipan n’yong mangabayo.
3. Iwasang maging mapusok at mahalay para siguradong makatapos sa pag-aaral.
4. Kung Nursing ang course n’yo, iwasang praktisin ang pagbabakuna sa isa’t isa.
5. Ang school ID, hindi ginagamit para magka-discount sa motel.
6. Tuwing New Year o may celebration, tandaan, sa labas lang magpapaputok.
7. Pag naputukan, huwag mag-panic. Pwedeng false alarm lang ‘yan.
8. Huwag kumain ng tahong pag may Red Tide.
9. Kapag mainit at ka­yong dalawa lang, alam na.
10. Kapag malamig, umuulan at kayong dalawa lang, alam na rin.

Cleavage

"Wag mo akong dungawin hindi ako bintana"

69 vs 6.9

Titser: Ano ang pinagkaiba ng 69 sa 6.9?
Studyante: Ma'am pareho lang po sila ng position kaya lang mas kadiri ang 6.9 kasi may period!

BJ

ANAK: Dad! Naka experience na ako ng blowjob! Yahoo!!!
DAD: Wow! Anak! Binata ka na!!! Ano ang feeling?
ANAK: Ang sakit po sa panga!!!'